Tuesday, December 11, 2012

What others see

A note from an old friend...

"...your bravery and positivity is truly an inspiration.  You should feel so proud!"

Reading that made me cry but perhaps not for the reasons it should.  I feel ugly inside.  Ugly and mad and afraid. 

Bravery?  The first few months after losing Frank, I was afraid of everything.  I hated driving.  So many things could go wrong.  I hated even more the thought of my husband Matt driving.  What if he died?  How would I survive without him?  And even now, almost 10 months after Frank was born, I practically choke on the fear every time I think of another pregnancy. 

Positivity?  When I post about Frank on Facebook, yes, I have a positive spin.  Frank is a wonderful part of my life and I want others to feel comfortable asking me about him.  But I don't feel terribly positive about myself.

Proud?  Of Frank, yes.  I am so proud of that little boy.  Of Matt, yes.  He has been a rock.  Of myself, no.  I can't feel proud of myself while this anger festers inside of me.  That ugliness I don't want anyone to see.

But that ugliness is part of the journey and I would be lying to myself and everyone else if I didn't acknowledge it.  I have to acknowledge it.  I scoured the internet searching for blogs, articles, anything related to stillbirth and it's aftermath.  I searched for celebrity losses hoping that someone spoke out.  I didn't want to be alone.

And so I acknowledge today what is deep inside, what I don't want others to see, because someone else is feeling it too and is wishing for somebody--anybody--to tell them they are not alone.  The ugliness you feel inside does not negate the beautiful life you carried.  You would not feel so strongly if you had not loved so deeply.

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