Vacation

We leave for vacation today.  Without Frank.  All I can think about is the day my in-laws first talked about this vacation with us.  It was a day or two after finding out that we would likely lose Frank.  I was still in the hospital with the doctors working hard to get my blood pressure under control.  Matt's mom and dad mentioned vacation and all I could do was cry.

What is the point, I thought, if Frank won't be there?  What does it matter, these plans, when everything is ruined?  I know they were trying to give us something to look forward to but we were far too devastated to think of vacation.

And now it's here and I don't know what to feel.  I stopped by Frank's grave earlier to let him know where we're going.  I wish I didn't have to do that.  Instead we should be trying to figure out how to fit all the baby stuff into our car.  We should be worrying about his first "big" trip.  We should be exhausted and flustered and happy.  We should be together.  Period.  I know we'll have moments of joy on this vacation but, damn, I wish things were different.  I miss Frank.

To Daddy with love

As I watch my husband sleep, seeing him hug the pillow we had made with Frank's initial, my throat tightens and I ache for him.  He went back to work the Monday after we buried our little boy.  I didn't.  I still haven't.  And, though I'm returning for a couple days next week, as a school secretary, I have the summer off.  I have even more time to grieve and cry and go to therapy appointments in the middle of the day.  When does my husband have time to grieve?  He says he's fine but when I see him clutch that pillow, I wonder.

Today is Father's Day.  My husband's first Father's Day.  Frank should be here now.  I imagined my husband on Father's day, a proud papa carrying his little buddy around for others to admire.  I'm trying to make this weekend as great as possible for my husband but Frank isn't here and I can't do anything about the emptiness. 

To my wonderful daddy,

I'm sorry I can't be with you today.  I know how much you love and miss me.  I hope you can feel some joy this Father's Day knowing that I will always be your son and you will always be my daddy.

love,

Frank

Frank's first bath

When we found out his heart had stopped, the one thing I wanted to do for Frank was give him a bath.  I don't know why it was important to me, but it was.  Because he was so early, his skin was extra delicate.  We could only give him a sponge bath and it was actually done by our nurse using little cotton balls and baby shampoo.  I held him on my belly as she bathed his tiny body. 


Frank's grave marker is in now.  I've cleaned it a few times with a damp cloth and each time I think of bathing my baby.  It's a sad but beautiful thought.  I wish things were different; I wish I was learning to parent an infant.  Instead I'm mothering and loving my baby in whatever way I can. 

Frank Bear

The day we delivered our son, Frank, was the hardest day of our lives.  We knew that his heart had stopped before going in to the hospital and were as prepared as possible.  He was beautiful.  At 26 weeks 2 days, we held our little boy's body and told him goodbye.  We were fortunate to have a professional photographer (through Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep) there to capture the moments we shared with Frank that day.  

A couple weeks after we said hello and goodbye to our son, my husband returned home from work and said "I can never wear this shirt again."  It was the shirt he wore in our photos with Frank.  I understood.  The shirt I wore in the photos was my favorite pregnancy shirt and I couldn't imagine wearing it during a future pregnancy either.  That was Frank's shirt. 

We didn't want to get rid of the shirts but knew we wouldn't be able to wear them again either.  We had a local seamstress make a pillow and 4 teddy bear t-shirts from the shirts.  We gave the Frank Bears to various family members keeping one for ourselves.  We told our family to take photos with Frank Bear when they went somewhere fun.  

 

We've only had the Frank Bears for a couple months but he's already traveled to Italy with a friend!  He's also had adventures at the Kansas City Zoo and was part of a drum circle in Appalachia.  He just received invitations to travel to Disney World, France, and Switzerland this year and Guyana next.  We never dreamed he would go so far!  

We found this quote on the Mikayla's Grace website:

"There may have been a limited time to make memories with our children, but there are endless opportunities to make memories in honor of them."

Photos of Frank Bear on adventures bring us joy.  Having ways to honor and share our son's short life helps us.  This blog along with The Adventures of Frank Bear are but 2 ways we have found to honor him.

  

Please support the charities mentioned in this article--their services help families make precious memories with their angel babies:

 www.mikaylasgrace.com 

 www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org