My universe will never be the same.

I can't stop thinking about my baby; the baby who should still be growing inside me.  The most ridiculous songs make me think of him.  The Wanted's Glad You Came is most definitely not meant for babies but when I hear it, my mind immediately goes to Frank.  

My universe will never be the same,

I'm glad you came.

and

Can you spend a little time,time is slipping away, 

Away from us so stay,stay with me...

I wanted so much for Frank to stay with me and I wish for what every momma wishes for: more time.  My world is in pieces right now and things won't ever be the same but I am so glad I got to meet Frank.  He taught me how to be a good mommy.   

When we found out about that Frank was 13 days behind in development and that a blood clot in the placenta was preventing him from getting what he needed, we were devastated.  Numbers, percentages, all sorts of things were thrown at us and nothing seemed to add up or make sense.  After the initial influx of doctors with different information, it seemed they all got on the same page: Frank would probably not survive if taken out right then and chances of survival at any point were slim.  

We decided to leave him where he was, comfortable in my womb, and try to buy as much time as possible knowing that we would probably be saying goodbye within a few weeks.  Knowing that he would likely die inside me.  The thought of taking him from his home inside me to hook him up to machines that would merely delay his death just didn't seem right.  

I see stories about babies even younger than our Frank surviving and I cry and wonder if we did the right thing.  Then I remind myself that there are a million things that could have been different about their baby's condition.  When you're protecting your child, you just know.  It's after your baby is gone that you start doubting yourself.